Raised by vigilante guardians armed
and rubber mats instead of concrete
and plastic instead of wood
and nothing hard
and nothing sharp
and PTA meetings
and HOA meetings
and after school activities
and before school activities
and bible studies
and youth group
and church on Sunday morning
and church on Sunday night
and church on Wednesday
and church on Thursday
and church before church on Sunday
and mission trips
and adopt a hungry third-world orphan by mail
and not too much fat
and not too many carbs
and no gluten
and no meat
and it’s no wonder we grew into repressed voyeurs of blood spattered cartoons
and parachute off bridges
and surf on subway train roofs
and do backflips off buildings (Parkour! Parkour!)
or just watch it all cowering behind screens,
and flinch at a knock at the front door
safe from the legions promised by the 10 o’clock news
waiting to kidnap, rape, murder, or, worst of all, swindle us;
because we’ve learned this lie well:
that we must be special weak and stupid to require such protection.
safe and bored,
protected and powerless,
nothing to fear
and no cause for bravery,
nothing to do
but comfort —but don’t dare threaten comfort!
lest you suffer the venomous memes and vicious one star reviews
and passive aggressive jokes-but-not-really-jokes.
but stronger than we know.
hiding unfathomed depths of bravery.
Gullible click-bate meme virus vectors; science-porn addicts
who never learned how to maintain committed relationships with knowledge;
still we have wisdom we haven’t yet understood.
Our righteous rage explodes
in the general direction of injustice….
and is as quickly diffused by our righteous indignation with each other and ourselves.
Choose your legacy and pursue it with relentless patience and determination. Choose not to fail
or fade out
or roll credits
or end the story
or live happily ever after
because the story is not over after it ends.
It keeps going
and fifth seasons
— the finale is not final.
But don’t just watch.
Preach and be convicted
because your sermon was really your conscience screaming at you
to get out of bed
to put down your iPhone
to go talk to someone
or do something impossible
or figure out how to love that person that you hate so much.
Be terrified and do it anyway.
Relate with the un-relatable.
See beauty in everything –
See that seeing ugliness is just being blind to beauty;
be injured again,
be healed again,
and do it again
and do it again
– not to get tougher scars,
but to be better healers;
then go heal someone.
be unashamed in your
A white lie is just censorship for the truth that scares you.
Don’t spend more time being afraid of your own truth
than other people spend even thinking about your truth.
Don’t wonder in fear what people think about you
because they probably don’t even think about you.
and be preached at
and don’t take any of it personally,
but still listen.
Listen without believing.
Believe without knowing.
Know without taking any of it too seriously.
And when this body this form this self this ego is needed no more, then die in bliss embracing the abyss.
Death holds no horrors for those who have truly lived.
It’s been a fun and productive weekend but it’s time to go back to work – to support my habit of living the funnest way possible.
The big victory this weekend was finding my favorite curtains on clearance. Score! I also had a chance to spend a few days in my bus really seeing what is most urgently needed for comfortable living. That experience plus a generous tax return has bumped the composting toilet to the top of the list – right next to some sort of economical plug-in heat source for situations when idling the bus would get me unwanted attention. It gets coooooold in here!
Yeah, I’m still BoonDocking. Luckily that’s been going really well. There are plenty of unobtrusive spots besides Walmart, and at least one no-hassle RV campground I can use. Parking around town has been easier than expected as well.
Getting this thing registered as a motor home is beginning to feel urgent. I’m only allowed 9 days of unregistered “trip-permit” driving per month and I’ve already used 3. I’m not sure what happens if I get stopped while driving unregistered and un-permitted but I really don’t want to find out.
So. That means I need to find a sink and an electric cook-top or oven pronto! There were a few at the Habitat for Humanity store, but they were bigger than what I wanted. I may get one of them anyway. A “too large” sink would be a relatively minor inconvenience.
It also means I should probably just go ahead and build a kitchen counter. It will have to be removable since I am doing the floors and insulation later. That’s kind of a back-asswards way of building out a bus, but since I need it road legal and livable ASAP, it’s the way I’ve decided to go. I’ll bolt everything down for the inspection, but it will all be removable.
I’m also thinking about painting sooner than planned. Apparently a school bus that looks like a school bus is not welcome in some RV parks. Bummer. I guess I’ll have to do the fun stuff first instead of last.
That’s it for now! Thanks for following me on my journey!
This is not my usual style. In fact there are no guitars on this project at all. No drums either. The whole thing started when I composed a backing track for a recorded hypnotherapy session; then I just sort of kept going. The playlist starts with that catalyst track, (1. Descend to Glory) continuing with a couple experiments varying on the same theme. After this I had an epiphany about where my best music really comes from, stopped experimenting and made something from the heart instead of the mind, creating the final track (4. Swell of the Heart). I hope you enjoy my musical journey.
Movies of my Dreams (listen on SoundCloud)
Sometimes I have moments you might call “epiphanies of hindsight” or lessons I didn’t realize I was learning until I reached some vantage point and looked back to see where I’d been. This is one of those.
Here it is: arrogance and confidence are not the same thing – not even close. In fact, they are practically opposites.
Arrogance is the bluster that ultimately comes from fear and insecurity. Confidence – true confidence – is quiet, calm, and difficult to shake.
Arrogance is easy, addictive, and fairly common. It comes with the adrenaline rush of overcoming challenges to your ego, and the satisfaction of proving others wrong with stinging attacks that are sure to send your enemies packing, thus protecting your fragile faith in your own intelligence worth and abilities. So long as you are successful in repelling these attacks and defending yourself and your beliefs, you feel vindicated, justified, and – for the moment – confident. As soon as the next attack comes however, your blood is pumping again and you feel threatened, indignant, and persecuted.
True confidence, on the other hand, is less common, because it is hard won through self awareness, humility, and a great deal of sustained effort. It is also a lot less visible because a person with true confidence has nothing to prove. They also have nothing to hide and nothing to fear, because they are practiced at the skill of hearing criticism, processing it, and learning from the information without taking it personally.
Arrogance is just the opposite. With arrogance, uncertainty itself is so terrifying that even the possibility of being wrong is unacceptable. The skill of adjusting to new information or circumstances has not yet been developed; our personal identity is so strongly tied to our beliefs and plans, our ego so resistant to change, that our fight-or-flight response is engaged when confronted with any serious critique of our beliefs or actions. We come up with excuses and rationalizations, or go on the attack, or even retreat to the safety of “friends” who will allow us to remain safely in denial.
Arrogance is essentially a reflexive willful ignorance of our own mistakes; but when you refuse to acknowledge your mistakes, they don’t go away. They fester and become doubts and insecurities.
The way to true confidence is facing your shortcomings learning the lessons they have to teach you, and acquiring the skills to overcome them. In this way, you transform your shortcomings into strengths. This process itself can be very painful in the same way cleaning a wound can be painful, and yet it is necessary in order to heal and strengthen our confidence (not a bad analogy, right? I totally stole it). This is far from easy, in fact it’s likely that no one has ever perfected this skill, (certainly not the author of this post). It is however, less a prize to be won and more a skill to be honed. It involves a great deal of practice, failure, embarrassment, discomfort, hard choices, and harder consequences. From this crucible however, comes the gold of true confidence. It is the muscle that comes from long hard work, the mastery that comes from years of practice, and the serenity that comes from a life lived honestly and skillfully.
I am far from free of my own arrogance. Those who know me well however, have seen my confidence grow substantially in recent years. This is how I’ve been doing it. I still have a long way to go. I have spent years sharpening my excuse-making, rationalizing, and verbal sparring skills, but have only just begun to develop my skill at honesty, true listening, courage, and self-discipline. Every day, it seems, I find hidden strongholds of arrogance in my beliefs and attitudes, but I am trying to flush them out with honesty, courage, listening, self-discipline and effort. I think I’m just beginning to understand what courage is, and as I do I’m recognizing it in others and gaining inspiration and encouragement.
Thank you, all my friends and family who have cheered for me along the way. I love you all!
As I have been looking at examples of really well done school bus conversions, I’ve started to notice a common trend in the bathrooms I’ve seen: nearly all of them have composting toilets. This came as a surprise to me and there were a lot of questions I needed answered in order to convince me to go with a composting toilet. Many of theses were finally answered in the video below, but a few I had to figure out on my own.
Here are my particular questions:
Q: Isn’t it more smelly/unsanitary/gross than a conventional toilet?
A: No. Just the opposite in fact (see video). Next question.
Q: Isn’t it cheaper and simpler to just install a conventional RV toilet with a black tank?
A: No, and NO! Even a high-end composting toilet like Nature’s Head, at about $900 (+/-) is cheaper than buying an RV toilet, black tank, and plumbing, and spending the time to cut the necessary holes, mount your black tank, buy chemicals, etc. It is also WAAAAAY easier to install and maintain a unit like Nature’s Head (see video). In addition, a conventional RV toilet should really be installed directly above the black tank so solids have a straight uninterrupted path down to the tank; this limits where you can put the bathroom in your floor plan (i.e. not over the wheel wells, fuel tank, battery box, etc.) Compare that to a fully self contained composting toilet that you can put ANYWHERE. You literally just set it down somewhere (optionally securing it with a couple screws for comfort & convenience). So in summary, you don’t save any money by going conventional, and you DEFINITELY don’t save any time or effort.
Q: Isn’t it simpler to maintain a conventional RV toilet?
A: No. Definitely not. Watch some YouTube videos on the Nature’s Head toilet and compare with videos on dumping, cleaning, and maintaining ANY conventional RV toilet / black water tank system. Not to mention installation. Don’t even get me started on installation.
Q: What’s the difference between a composting toilet and a regular old (and much much cheaper) camping toilet?
A: A lot actually:
- Camping toilets usually ARE more smelly/unsanitary/gross than a conventional toilet.
- You can only legally (and safely) “dump” waste from a camping toilet at specific facilities. Camp toilet manufacturers claim you can just dump the contents in any toilet, but have you ever tried dumping several gallons of waste into a toilet? Compare that to compost from a composting toilet which can safely and legally (and non-grossly) be disposed of anywhere from your local dumpster to on/around non-edible plants or trees.
- Camp toilets still need to be cleaned and maintained (if you don’t want them to be completely disgusting) using (often toxic) chemicals and deodorizers. A composting toilet like Nature’s Head simply has a crank on the side that you turn a couple times with every use, and when it gets hard to turn, you dump the contents. You don’t even have to clean it out. Anything toxic is dead and sterile within a few hours of your last use. Also did I mention it’s not smelly and gross? (see video)
- All that said camp toilets are way cheaper. You can get a top of the line camp toilet for about $100 vs something like the aforementioned Nature’s Head which runs around $900.
A camp toilet is a temporary solution at best for a bus I plan on living in full time, so my choice is really between conventional and composting. Considering there is no cost advantage to getting a conventional unit and a lot of convenience advantages to getting a composting toilet (for instance no need for a black tank whatsoever) not to mention health safety and environmental advantages (zero water & power usage, cleaner safer disposal, less pollution, etc) this has become a no brainer for me, but I think the most compelling fact is that as of this posting I have never heard of anyone who switched to a composting toilet and regretted it. Definitely let me know if you have!
Looking over my last dozen posts or so, I’m noticing a pattern. At some point (probably around the time I decided I wanted to be “a writer”) my posts shifted from a collection of personal narratives, to very preachy didactic “articles.” Their no bad per-se, but I guess I’ve just decided I don’t like that style or that vision for my blog. I’d rather just tell stories about my adventures. Hopefully well written stories, but stories nonetheless. Here goes!